Bridget Who?

Follow the yellow brick road....

2005-09-03T10:36:00.000Z

I have moved to a new blog. Come and see!www.aftertheratrace.blogspot.com

Come fly with me

2005-08-23T07:13:00.000Z

Nearly two years ago I sat at my desk in a job that meant nothing to me and typed the word “blog” into Google. A month later I had one of my own. I'd intended it to be a reaction against the Bridget Jones phenomenon that implied eating was wrong, being stupid was cute and if you didn't have a bloke to bring stability to your life then you were pretty much fucked.Over the last couple of months

Writer's Block

2005-08-22T12:22:00.000Z

*drums fingers*What to write, what to write?

Su Doku

2005-08-16T08:37:00.000Z

"So there's a 2 there, and a 2 there, so there must be a 2 here and that means that because there's a 3 there and a 3 down here, then there must be a 3 across there. There's a 4 here and a 4 there so the 4 in this group can be here, here or here, so I need to figure out what goes there and there and across there, which means that if there's a 5 here and here and a 4 down there, then this box can

Rat Race Retreat

2005-08-08T10:35:00.000Z

Sweet Lord above! I thought getting out of the rat race was supposed to make life slower, calmer and less hectic.WRONG!!!!Here I am running round like a blue arsed fly, holding down a part time job, applying for an MSc, re-mortgaging, doing my accounts, steeling myself for my tax return and trying to secure some freelance writing work on the side to keep me afloat.Hello???

Anxious

2005-08-03T07:56:00.000Z

I sit here with my first cup of tea of the day and I'm worried. Let's not even think about the tax return that's due the end of next month. No. We'll sweep that one under the carpet for today. No, let's think instead about the meeting with my mortgage advisor that I've got in a couple of hours.Yes, it's that time. My fixed rate is up and I've got to remortgage. The only problem is that when

Take me down to the paradise city

2005-08-01T17:09:00.000Z

There is something deeply satisfying about wielding a chainsaw. Well okay, so it wasn't actually a chainsaw rather than a fuck-off, huge hedgecutter. But the principal is the same: a highly dangerous machine with lots and lots of blades that you hold in both hands and cut things with. It looks a bit like this, only bigger. Much bigger.As you know, I've spent the last two weeks in France, the

Garlic Galore!

2005-07-24T13:03:00.000Z

Well, a lovely week of merrymaking with some very good friends has flown by and all I can remember is one thing. Garlic! Never before have I ever eaten so much of the stuff. Everyday we got together before our main meal and ate Prefou, a local garlic bread delicacy. Each loaf of this bread has an entire head of garlic smeared all over it. A good job really, given the amount of butter used.

Quench my thirst

2005-07-14T22:13:00.000Z

I'm crawling on hands and knees through a desert. The sun, terrifying in its intensity, beats down on my back. My skin is cracked and sore while sand clings to my mouth and tongue. I am spent but driven forward one hand in front of the other, dragging myself through the unforgiving heat. My reserves are depleted and I have strength only for myself.Fuck me, do I need a holiday!Good job I'm off to

Moving the earth

2005-07-11T22:08:00.000Z

Thud thud thud thud thud thud thud The knocking drifted into my dream and I awoke wondering what the fuck was going on. The clock read 2am.The fog soon cleared. It seems the guy who lives upstairs has a new girlfriend and she's a bit, well, noisy. Furthermore his bed could do with being moved a couple of inches away from the wall!There's something deeply irritating and a little embarrassing

Waking up with Kylie and other random things

2005-07-10T17:41:00.000Z

It was with some bemusement that I awoke this morning to find myself in a strange house wearing a Crystal Palace football kit with a white cat called Kylie sat purring on my chest. I admired Kylie's purple glittery collar, tickled her ear, and she settled down for a doze.I lay there piecing the previous evening together, no mean feat with a hangover the size of Christendom. Wine, dinner, pub,

Fanning the fires of hatred

2005-07-07T22:34:00.000Z

London, so jubilant but hours ago, celebrating the news that we'd be hosting the Olympic Games in seven years time, now a city coming to terms with a terrorist attack. The first hint of trouble came as one of my volunteers turned up at the office asking what was wrong with the tube. She'd been evacuated twice on her way to the office. I checked online and read news of a power surge. We made tea

Chaos in London

2005-07-07T09:37:00.000Z

This is truly horrible.

Time Out - London

2005-07-06T09:55:00.000Z

It's fair to say that London can be a very tiring place to live. Everything is quicker, dirtier, longer, harder, further away. But it can be so easy to get caught up in the whirlwind and it's only when you take a step back that you begin to see it for what it is.Don't get me wrong, I love London. It's a great city, full of diversity. I've lived here nine years and still there's so much I

Good times bad times

2005-07-04T12:17:00.000Z

Thought I'd better dip my toe in my blog and say hello to you all. Hello!Truth be told, I'm having a bit of a hard time what with one thing and another. If it's not work, it's play and if it's not play, it's family and if it's not family, it's money and if it's not money, well... you all know the score. Life's like that sometimes and you've just got to take the rough with the smooth. Bad times

Guest Blog: Fart Parading As Art

2005-07-01T10:16:00.000Z

It was with baited breath that I prepared to watch Nine Songs last night. That makes sense - I am a gig-going indie kid in London who loves music almost as much as I love sex. The film is also about sex and relationships in London and is filthy. Surely, this film is for me, aimed at me, about me. No? Well, No.It is unremitting pile of ape-wank from start to end.Any pretensions of ‘art’ fail, the

Guest Blog: Moving in Different Circles

2005-06-29T14:16:00.000Z

"Welcome to Chateau Bateau!"When an American speaks French, I find it particularly amusing. Perhaps it is because I’m so used to hearing Brits ham-up their French words for comic effect. Words like vis-à-vis, rendez-vous, menage-a-trois, pret-a-manger and Gare du Nord can always raise a smile if you put on a silly voice. When my friend and I turned up on a houseboat in Chelsea to work behind the

Guest Blog: Etiquette type things

2005-06-28T09:00:00.000Z

It’s a very worrying precedent to feel you really need to do something even though you’re really not sure whether that person wants you to anymore or whether they’ll be offended if you don’t.I know; it didn’t make sense to me this morning either.I suppose it’s the sort of feeling you get when you’re at a Posh party and someone shoves a tray of hors d’oeuvres in front of you and you feel you need

Guest Blog: Because you didn't ask for it...

2005-06-23T21:05:00.000Z

...for one week only, back by popular indifference, here's your resurrected Friday music thing...Glastonbury 2005 is up and running and, as you'd expect with the sheer volume of bands, there are some definite highlights to look forward to. Were I there, I'd be looking forward to The White Stripes, The Killers, Doves, I Am Kloot, Cake, Tom Vek and The Proclaimers to name a few. I'd be less likely

Guest Blog: The pitfalls of Guest Blogging

2005-06-23T08:04:00.000Z

Guest Blogging for someone is always fraught with quandaries and potential pitfalls.There is the initial pressing feeling of a requirement to prove to all and sundry that you are worthy as a guest writer by recounting some small fact about the host that proves your worthiness. That is out of the question really as I don’t know any ‘small facts’ about Ms Jones. Just huge stonking ones. This is a

Guest Blog: A question for everybody...

2005-06-22T15:23:00.000Z

For various reasons, I owe Ms Jones three pints of Stella Artois. So, despite the fact that my entire professional and personal life is in a bit of a state of upheaval at the moment, I didn’t think it would be right not to help her out when she asked me to do a post.Plus, I only ever see her in London. Have you seen the price of a pint of ASBO in London?!? My time is cheap in comparison.The thing

Guest Blog: Put your feet up, Sis

2005-06-21T14:18:00.000Z

I tread onto my sister’s blog with trepidation.When I found out she wanted it ‘looked after’ for a while, I practically begged her to let me help out. I haven’t been writing for a while, as I have actually been getting a little bored of myself (impossible to imagine, I know). This gives me the perfect opportunity to give myself a new voice, to re-invent myself. To re-write my literary DNA.I shall

Isle of Shite

2005-06-19T16:14:00.000Z

Only kidding!The Isle of Wight was absolutely brilliant. The rest of my week, however, has been a bit shite. Thanks go out to these lovely amazing people, who among other superb friends of mine, have helped me out no end!I'm going to disappear for a little while but you can't keep a good bird down for long and so watch this space for a return blazed in glory! In the meantime I'll see about

Anticipation

2005-06-09T12:22:00.000Z

Hooray!!!We're off to the Isle of Wight festival. Nine of us including Jones Junior will be pitching camp in a field with thousands of other people. I love the feeling you get before you go on holiday, the excitement and anticipation bubbling gently under the surface of your skin. But I hate the planning and the packing. We're meeting at Waterloo station tomorrow morning. So much to do and

A Fine Line

2005-06-01T10:39:00.000Z

Some weeks ago my best friend and I went to get our make-up done by a professional at one of those ultra-white counters you get in the lobbies of department stores on Oxford Street. Neither of us have ever really got to grips with the intricacies of make-up application and given that Bob is getting married in October and yours truly has the honour of being her

Green Fingers

2005-05-25T11:18:00.000Z

I work with two pretty amazing women, Ms Healthy and Ms Earthy. They both have children, one has grandchildren (Ms Healthy) and one has a very small and lovely baby (Ms Earthy). They each work two amazingly worthwhile and dedicated jobs. They are both kind, giving and generous with their time. In short, these women are two truly remarkable ladies indeed. Thus it is that I admire them each

The cheek of it

2005-05-17T12:22:00.000Z

On my way up the escalator out of the DLR this lunch time I was standing behind a young woman in her mid twenties who was chatting to her friend in front of her. They were minding their own business, exchanging idle gossip, when a bunch of young teenagers in school uniform walked up past them. The last of these, a cheeky young boy of about thirteen, took the opportunity to give the girl a subtle

And now for something completely different

2005-05-05T09:03:00.000Z

“Why don’t we do something different this time?” read the email from Mme Musicality whom I have known since the age of seven. “I’ve found out about this health spa near Bayswater. Eighteen pounds and you can hang out in there for as long as you like. Who’s up for it?”I certainly was, as was Miss Colourful, another friend from my school days. And thus it was we found ourselves waiting for Mme

She's a tease

2005-05-04T11:59:00.000Z

Apparently there's nothing worse than a blog tease... someone who promises the goods but fails to deliver.Just know that I'm not doing it on purpose and it will be worth the wait. Bring on the broadband.

The Comeback Queen

2005-04-28T08:23:00.000Z

Yes, yes. I know. I’ve been crap. Nay, I’ve been utterly shite with this blog recently. I hope you’ll all forgive me. Holding down two jobs and doing a part time course hasn’t turned out to be very good planning on my part. Still, it keeps me out of trouble I suppose. Oh, and those wankers as Wanadoo aren’t helping… still no internet at Jones Towers.But I’m back and I’ll do my best to post

Lost In Transit

2005-04-08T16:40:00.000Z

I guess I was quite excited. I’d never driven a transit van before. I love driving, and like to think I’m quite good at it, so I was looking forward to lording it around South East London in a white transit. My turn to intimidate the little guy. My turn to listen to XFM with my arm hanging out of the window. My turn to rule the road.It was a pleasant Friday morning and I called the gaffer to tell

Apologies

2005-04-05T09:31:00.000Z

A quick visit to let you know that I've not abandoned this old place. I've been so busy putting the finishing touches to my living room and moving back in to my beautiful flat. It looks great so I'm all smiley at the moment. Sadly I don't have a phone line and hence no internet. Furthermore I have approximately 500 boxes and bags to unpack and a building site to clear up. Once the dust has (

The Bermondsey Blues

2005-03-24T12:48:00.000Z

I left the house in a great mood this morning. The prospect of half a day off, sunshine in the sky and some good music on my diskman (how retro) had put a spring in my step. I wandered through the estate singing along to The Who after a lovely chat over breakfast with my even lovelier sister. All was good.An elderly woman in a tabard appeared from one of the blocks. She looked exactly like the

Out with the old, in with the new

2005-03-22T10:24:00.000Z

She stood there, hands on hips, head cocked to one side, her foot tapping in obvious impatience.“But Jonesy,” she said. “You’re nearly thirty.”“And?” I replied like an insolent teenager.“It’s horrible.”“But I stole it when I was sixteen,” I whined.“That’s exactly my point. It’s a thirteen year old Camel advertising sign.”“Stolen from the Spa Grand Prix in 1992!”“Made of bright yellow rotting

Introducing... The Liberal Elite

2005-03-14T13:13:00.000Z

Let's face it, you don't come here to read about politics and current affairs do you? That would be foolish. But should you ever fancy some strong opinions and heated debate please go and check this out, a blog started up by two very good mates of mine who have kept me sane on many an occasion. I hope you enjoy it... it's hilarious!

My Best Friend's Wedding Dress

2005-03-07T22:09:00.000Z

The loveliest thing happened on Saturday. I saw my best friend in the world try on the perfect wedding dress. She stood facing herself in the mirror. She knew it was the one; I could see it in her face. She looked beautiful with an expression that spoke of happiness, anxiety and wonder all at once. I wanted to hug her, hold her tight and tell her how amazing she looked. Fifteen years of

Every Little Helps... Part 2

2005-03-03T21:01:00.000Z

I left the pub with my friend to find somewhere for dinner. I'd told him about trying to pay for drinks with my Tesco Club Card and, to his credit, he only laughed a little.We wandered down the river and eventually came across an upmarket Indian restaurant that looked more than a little tasty. We ventured in and waited to be shown to a table.As the waiter came over to take our coats a terrible

Every Little Helps

2005-03-02T08:46:00.000Z

"Can I pay by card?" I asked the barmaid as she passed me the drinks."Only for purchases of over ten pounds.""How about if I leave my card behind the bar?""That's fine."I reached into my wallet, handed her the card and walked off with the drinks."Erm, excuse me!" She called across the throng. "Excuse me!"I turned round and she waved me towards her."I'm afraid we don't accept Tesco Club Cards,"

Taking a deep breath

2005-02-27T20:10:00.000Z

I haven't had a cigarette since the 28th of December. For the most part it has been okay, but as you may have guessed, the past few weeks have been a little trying. To be honest, they've been pretty hard.And yet, even in the hardest, most stressful of times, when friends around me have been sparking up, sucking the nicotine into their lungs and blowing out that beautiful release, I've held fast,

Arrrgh

2005-02-26T16:30:00.000Z

Still busy, but I promise to be back soon. I'll just leave you with this little snippet.I picked up the FA Cup on Wednesday. At the FA headquarters.Beat that.

Interval

2005-02-21T09:23:00.000Z

Ladies and gentlemen.A selection of wines, beers and spirits will be served in the Bridget Who? bar. Act 2 will begin shortly. Please be patient.very very very very very busy but will be back soon.

leave your name and your number

2005-02-14T18:33:00.000Z

"Hello. You have reached [the charity]. Our lines are open on Mondays from 2pm to 4pm, on Tues er Wednesdays, no Tuesdays...bugger!""Hello. You have reached [the charity].... we're er, er... shit!""Hello. er... you have erm... shit! shit! shit!""Hello""Hello. Fuck!""Hello. You have re... ARSE!"And so on

What a bitch

2005-02-07T18:36:00.000Z

She's about a foot long and 6 inches high, a brown, floppy eared mutt called Duster. She belongs to the guy I work for on Wednesdays at The Media Agency. The Media Agency is a good place to work. It is laid back, creative and chilled. I can wear jeans and trainers and still look smarter than most. I can play music on my PC and no one minds. I can come in at ten and leave at four and take two

Bit embarrassing really...

2005-01-31T16:03:00.000Z

The Ginger Nut (cooking pasta): Hey Rizzo, what happened to your eye? What's with the graze? Rizzo (casually drinking wine): Got into a fight. Bit embarrassing really. Jonesy (shocked, eating twiglets): No! Really? You got into a fight? Rizzo (still casually drinking wine): No, not really. The Ginger Nut (holding spoon in mid-air, spilling pasta sauce down her top): So, what happened then?

Nothing lives forever

2005-01-29T15:49:00.000Z

We've got Homechoice, which means that while we don't have any sports channels we do have Video on Demand, one of the best things ever. Take this morning for example. Jez, Dutchie and I took our tea and toast to the sofa and had a sleepy browse of the VOD channel. It is no understatement that I nearly fell off the settee when I saw that the first series of Fame was available. In fact, if I'm

Hope Springs Eternal

2005-01-26T08:40:00.000Z

It's a funny old world. As one blogger writes her final post, another tentatively dips her big toe into the blog-pool and gently begins to flex her writing muscles. Yes, it's the moment that many of you have been waiting for. Ladies and Gentlemen of Blogland, I give you... ... Hope!

The Girls Who Never Grew Up

2005-01-24T19:53:00.001Z

With our manager away on a ski trip yesterday I was in charge of the first team. 60 minutes into the game and our right winger, Rizzo, scored her first goal. She tore away to celebrate and I turned to write her name down on the scorecard. I heard laughter from the pitch and various players started calling my name. I looked round to see her running towards me pulling her shirt up over her head.

Blog hounds

2005-01-19T22:53:00.000Z

I met Les Trois Madames today. These are my friends from school and I've known them for years. We have very different lives that take us to different places but we try and make sure we catch up every six weeks or so. First off there's Madame Musicality. We were in the same class from the age of seven. She got to grade eight in piano. I failed my grade 3. She was also better at ballet than I was,

The first day of the rest of my life

2005-01-17T19:17:00.000Z

I woke up this morning with a knot of excitement and anticipation nestling comfortably in my stomach. I showered, gulped down some tea and headed out to begin my first day in my new part-time job in Greenwich. On the way I thought back over the past few months. Last year was The Year of The Turd but I seem to have turned it all around for 2005. My role consists of 2.5 days a week working for

Papering over the cracks!

2005-01-14T09:10:00.000Z

In hindsight it would probably have been better if one of us had actually known how to put wallpaper up. Sadly neither of us did, and yet we were confident. I mean after all, The Gaffer and I are bright, practical, solution driven individuals, or at least we were when we both held down "proper jobs". Let me recap. Hope, The Gaffer and I have started a DIY collective. I help them work on their

Pose of the what?

2005-01-06T11:19:00.000Z

If someone called Barbara Currie ever approaches you in the street, run away. Not that I've ever met Barbara Currie in person, mind, but my mum gave me her Yoga DVD this Christmas. "It's amazing Jonesy," she said. "Worked wonders for me and there's a whole section on lower back pain. Could be your ticket to recovery. Give it a try." And so I did. I gave it a try. I tried "Pose of the

Mathematics 1 : 0 Ms Jones

2005-01-04T13:54:00.000Z

And so my DIY efforts continued... in a blaze of mediocrity. While Superdad built a kitchen out of an old cereal packet, a kitchen roll tube and a sheet of sticky back plastic, all the plaster I had lovingly applied to the living room walls fell off, crumbling into a pile of dusty muck that I then trod into the carpet. It was clearly all going to plan. Unfortunately it was someone else's plan! "

The Great DIY Adventure

2004-12-28T18:54:00.000Z

It's a strange world when three days after Christmas you find yourself dressed like Bananarama, covered in plaster, eating a Pot Noodle. For most people the week between Christmas and New Year doesn't involve such ludicrous behaviour but if you're in my flat this week, the chances are you'll be wearing old cut-off jeans, a 1980s U2 T-shirt and you'll be Doing-It-Yourself with more gusto than Rick

Spread some tinsle

2004-12-23T22:21:00.000Z

I've just come back from doing the Christmas shopping at Sainsbury's and, well, it was Dawn of the Dead meets supermarket sweep... on acid! There was no mercy, no yuletide spirit. Erstwhile passive grannies elbowed each other in the kidneys for the sake of a bag of parsnips. Exhausted mothers wrestled for the last sprouts and kids screamed and screamed and screamed until even the woman on the

By Popular Request...

2004-12-22T14:17:00.000Z

A Ditty, by Ms Jones They asked for a ditty Who am I to decline? They'll bay for my blood If I step out of line I'm not in control The readers decide They've asked me for something I must therefore provide Let's take a look back At my recent ordeals Life turned into a gremlin And bit hard at my heals First went the job In a big puff of smoke Not that it mattered It was a bit of a joke They

A Bridge Too Far?

2004-12-20T22:04:00.000Z

"A blob? What the hell is a blob?" "Not a blob. A BLOG. I've got a blog." "Really? What does it do?" "It doesn't DO anything. It's like a website and I write stuff on it." "Why's it called a blog? That's a stupid name. Blog. Sounds like something a plumber would need." "It's short for 'web log', you see? WEB... LOG... Blog. You can publish stuff on it, like short stories, or

Interview

2004-12-13T09:50:00.000Z

Three of them, one of me and no, this wasn't Pimms O'Clock, this was an interview. I was taken into a comfortable looking room where three people sat side by side. I took my place opposite them and smiled. They picked up their lists (please note the plural) of questions and the interview began. I hadn't expected such a formal affair but looking back, it makes sense. The position is funded by

Indiana Jonesy and the Temple of Colon Point

2004-12-08T15:54:00.000Z

When you're up Shit Creek, you've just got to hope that your paddle is a good one. With any luck it will be made from high molecular polymers and have a large symmetrical blade with a dihedral front face. You're on to a winner if it has a composite shaft with an index grip on the control side and generous dip rings for that extra comfort of dry arms. Honestly, you are. If I've not been around

Working From Home

2004-12-07T11:05:00.000Z

I overhear the tail-end of a conversation my sister is having with someone or other: "Great. That should be fine. Yes. I'm working from home this week so I'm pretty flexible. I'll be in." My sister and I are both self-employed, she as an actress and me as a writer. Our days pass by as follows: 9am: My sister wakes up. I hear her move around the flat and hope she makes tea. 9.05am: My

Sadistic Physio Therapy

2004-12-04T21:53:00.000Z

Now this I hadn't anticipated. I was lying on the physio bench. She was massaging my bum. "You see the problem is, Ms Jones, is that your legs are strong, and so is your upper back, but have no real core strength, so your lower back is bearing the brunt and your pelvis is being pulled all over the place when you run causing tenderness around your sacro-iliac joint." "I... I see." Clearly I

There's one for you, nineteen for me

2004-12-02T17:35:00.000Z

I really didn’t feel like doing much this morning and so I took my pyjamas, my duvet and myself to the sofa and watched a DVD. It was lovely to be snuggled up with a cup of tea watching a film about football knowing that all my friends were at work with hangovers and I wasn’t. Freedom – the upside to self-employment! I contemplated texting some of them to let them know what I was up to, but I

It's all gone thong

2004-11-30T11:19:00.001Z

I was having a bad morning. Being woken up by two screaming kids at 6.30 in the morning is never the best start to a day. I had a bit of a hangover because Bruce, Pam and I had polished off a couple of beers when they'd got back. Relishing the idea of a long hot bath when I got home, I decided against having a shower at theirs. Instead, I pulled on my clothes, grabbed a cuppa and headed out to

Please, can I have my sister back?

2004-11-27T13:29:00.000Z

I've lost my sister! Not in the sense that I don't know where she is, because the likelihood that she's on the eMac as you read this is very high! You see, I've lost her to i-tunes. It has pulled her in, sapped her soul, and now she's a manic, track-downloading, music head. No CD is safe. In the space of two days she has downloaded her entire CD collection, blitzed her way through mine and is

The Devil in Disguise

2004-11-25T17:37:00.000Z

“DADDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”, came the shriek from the three-year-old ginger banshee. The clock display read 5.50 am. “Fucks sake,” I muttered as I turned over on my makeshift bed. “This is the last fucking time I’m babysitting for Bruce and Pam.” I heard Bruce stumble across the landing upstairs to attend to his son as I slowly drifted back to sleep. A mere 3 seconds later (or so it seemed) I was

Procrastination and Denial

2004-11-24T16:26:00.000Z

I woke up this morning feeling a touch despondent. My temp job at Hell Events is over and I've finished the only freelance project I've had on the cards. I checked my email for a sign of some work. Nada! I called my temping agents to gently remind them that I'm available. Nothing! The realisation that funds coming into my bank account aren't going to cover my mortgage repayment next week

A matter of taste

2004-11-23T18:15:00.000Z

“What’s this?” I asked as she slopped a ladle of brick-red gloop over the rice on my plate. “It’s vegetable curry,” replied my mum, brightly. “I got the recipe from Cranks Vegetarian Cookbook. Your uncle sent it me.” I sneaked a look over at my sister who was finding it hard to hide her disgust. “Very nice, dear”, said my dad as he spooned some into his mouth. I knew he was lying, though.

The Day of Rest

2004-11-22T10:40:00.000Z

I was suffering from cabin fever and longing for some peace and quiet. Six of us in a three-bedroom flat for four days will generally rule that out. I needed a distraction. “Mum, fancy watching a DVD? Dad brought Alfie with him and I’ve never seen it”. “Oooh yes,” she replied, “Let’s watch a DVD. MAGDA!" She called out to her best friend who was reading in the kitchen, "SHALL WE WATCH A DVD

Do they know it’s Christmas?

2004-11-16T19:32:00.000Z

Well actually, no they don't. Because it isn't Christmas!!!! It's November and last time I checked, Christmas happens towards the end of December. I realise that Bob and Midge meant it more as a rhetorical question and, their cause being a noble one, they can be forgiven for jumping the gun a bit, but for fuck's sake Christmas is AGES away! Perhaps I’d be able to stomach six weeks of “It's

Big girls don’t cry

2004-11-14T20:45:00.000Z

I lay motionless on the sofa, my throat aching from fighting back the sobs welling up in my chest. I looked over at my sister. She was crying too. I squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. The tears fell silently down both our faces. And then Brother Bear finished and we got up to make a cup of tea.

Poppies

2004-11-11T18:39:00.000Z

My mother's father died in the second world war. He was allowed only a few weeks with his new bride before he was called back to fight. He died whilst liberating a group of Canadian Soldiers from a Prisoner of War camp. His grave is on the Greek Island of Crete in a field covered by an endless sea of stone crosses. I don't know any more than that; my mother doesn't talk about it much. He died

The Common Cold

2004-11-09T21:58:00.000Z

Well, just what the fuck is all this about then? This isn't a cold! No siree! This appears to be a one-way ticket to Snot Central. Some fucker poured a bucket full of mucus into my head when I wasn't looking and now all I can do is mope around until it has oozed its merry way out via my nose, eyes, ears and, at this rate, my hair follicles. Nice image, no? Well, come on, we all know how utterly

2004-11-08T18:04:00.000Z

All I can manage today are the following five words: "I have a bastard cold." Thank you and goodnight. *sniff*

Mr Period, The Prankster

2004-11-06T18:45:00.000Z

Discovering that you’ve got your period feels a little bit like putting the kettle on after a trip to the supermarket only to realise that you've forgotten the milk. On the flip side, when it’s over you can remove the period paraphernalia from your handbag and get your best knickers out again, which I suppose is quite nice really. I’ve been getting my period for about fifteen years now and I

Faux Pas

2004-11-04T13:43:00.000Z

"Fuck it," I thought. I was feeling sexy despite the facial hair and the super-sized aviator glasses. "He's cute and I've got nothing to lose." I turned to the bar and wrote my name and number on a peice of paper with a note asking him out for a drink. "Here," I said with a cheeky smile as I put the note into his shirt pocket. "Read that later. Oh, and thanks for the beer." I held his gaze for

2004-11-02T08:01:00.000Z

Pictures speak louder than words.

Round round baby round round

2004-11-01T15:27:00.000Z

Bollocks! Things seem to be getting a bit hectic these days. I've been meaning to tell you about the bathroom I'm having built, about my day out in B&Q with John the Carpenter, a gun-loving, vegetarian Bill Bailey lookalike and about how I dressed up as one of the Village people on Saturday night (the glorious shame!) but I've been rushing around like a blue-arsed fly and only have these three

Andrehttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

2004-10-29T09:22:00.000Z

I've been reading A Beautiful Revolution for a long time and have always admired Andre's honesty about his battle against his demons. As well as being incredibly well-written, this blog is both moving and insightful. As many of you know, I've had my own demons to fight but don't tend to go into it too much here. When Andre asked me to write one of his Friday guest posts I decided to open up a

Go and read another blog

2004-10-28T08:25:00.000Z

Yes, dear readers. It's true. I'm urging you all to read elsewhere. But only until the weekend while I try and sort out the shit-stack that is my life right now. In the next few days I must talk damp-proofing with a greasy biker, retrieve my tax disk from an obscure garage in the back streets of Peckham (must remember my pepper spray), write a list of everything that was lost when Air Crap "

The Old Girl. 01, March 1990 – 25, October 2004

2004-10-25T18:15:00.000Z

It is with much sadness that I officially announce the demise of The Old Girl who tomorrow makes her final journey to the great scrap yard in the sky. The Old Girl began her life in the North East of England where she worked tirelessly as a run-around for an elderly woman and her little Scotty dog. She was well cared for and the trio enjoyed many a Sunday drive to visit old friends and family.

I Liked Driving in my Car

2004-10-22T15:32:00.000Z

If truth be told, dear readers, I’m a bit upset. You see life hasn’t been playing very fair recently. I lost my job, lost my luggage and discovered a grand’s worth of rising damp in my flat, all in the space of seven days. I was pretty philosophical about it all though. I figured my share of good luck was just around the corner and all I had to do was stiffen my upper lip a little and everything

A Saint for our Times

2004-10-21T17:31:00.000Z

And she will appear amongst us, as if sent from above, to sacrifice herself for the greater good of The Corporation. She will work tirelessly, forgoing all of life’s pleasures, setting herself against the evils of humour and camaraderie, to spread The Board’s word to the ignorant and apathetic. She will come unto us and bestow upon us the benefits of her infinite expertise and wisdom. Walking

B.I.T.C.H: Bilious, Irritating, Tiresome, Corporate, Hussy

2004-10-19T13:40:00.000Z

B.I.T.C.H: “OH. MY. GOD!!! I don’t BELIEVE it. There’s a paper jam!!! I mean CHRRRR-IST, why does this ALWAYS happen to ME? TYPICAL. Nothing EVER works in this place. And I've got all these REALLY IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS to print.” Me: “You could always use that printer over there." If looks could kill, dear readers. If looks could kill...

Sweet Sixteen

2004-10-17T18:04:00.000Z

I went round to my flat the other day (the flat that I can’t live in because it has no roof, lots of rising and penetrating damp, and no toilet or kitchen… but that’s another story) to pick up some of my stuff. Searching through the cupboard under the stairs I found a box full of random odds and ends. Most of it turned out to be junk but an old cassette labelled “60s Mix” caught my eye. The

Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You

2004-10-14T13:29:00.000Z

It’s not very professional to pull a sickie is it? Especially when it’s because of a hangover. But hey, life’s too short to play it by the book all the time. I got to work this morning with a stinking headache having arrived at the conclusion that our weekly football training sessions have become a waste of time ever since the pub that sponsors us started having lock-ins: all that good work lost

Play the game, everybody play the game...

2004-10-11T18:09:00.000Z

Office politics is the curse of every employee in the world. It strikes at all levels, from the lower echelons of a corporation right into the very heart of its boardroom. You’ll find it in school staff rooms, in hospitals, even in charitable organisations as everyone plays to their own agenda. No one is immune. Even the good guys who try hard to stay out of the game become targets for the

If Carlsberg made best friends...

2004-10-09T10:44:00.000Z

10.30 am “Thank you Ms Jones. Those envelopes looked expertly stuffed and labelled. A very efficient job, well done!” “Thanks.” patronising cow “Ready for something new?” “Yes, definitely.” go on, thrill me “Great. I’d like you to place all these badges into badge holders, check them off against this spreadsheet and then sort them into alphabetical order. There’s about a hundred or so there

Jez, Jonesy, and the Gates of Hell

2004-10-06T19:00:00.000Z

I knew it was going to be a long day when I saw three penguins dancing the conga across the main reception hall. Precilla, our camp Australian temping agent, had sent Jez and I off to work for a big IT show in Olympia, London’s leading conference and exhibition centre, and along with five or six other out of work actors, writers and freelancers, we were waiting to meet our supervisor for the day.

Me, My Self and I

2004-10-04T13:13:00.000Z

So, there I was putting data into the spreadsheet, one horrific line after another, trying to coax my consciousness into a better frame of mind so as to stop it from trying to jump under a bus. “It’s okay, Consciousness. It’s just a temp job. One, maybe two days at the most. We need the money.” “But, but… it’s just *sniff* sooooo boring. Name, address, telephone number, name address,

Shhh. Don't tell anyone I'm here...

2004-10-01T11:30:00.000Z

*Whispers* I'm temping today to keep the cash coming in so I can save my redundancy money for growing my freelance client base (which so far boasts a grand total of zero). I'm not supposed to be here but I thought I'd let you know that normal Jonesy business shall resume tomorrow, in that I'll wake up on a Saturday with a hangover and I won't feel guilty about sleeping in. I've been up,

To do list

2004-09-30T13:17:00.000Z

Print some business cards Write my profile Register it on the relevant websites Call my contacts Register myself as self employed That's right! Jonesy is going freelance. Wish me luck... I'm going to need it.

And So It Begins

2004-09-29T17:49:00.000Z

Ms Jones, Dahling *air kiss, air kiss*. You look FABulous. Been away? Portugal? Simply devine. Miss Lily, DOWN girl!!! BAD dog! Davina, a cup of tea for Ms Jones dear, thank you. Milk no sugar isn't it? No, no, we haven't forgotten you, have we Miss Lily. Miss Lily's missed you awfully, haven't you, haven't you? Yes yes, go and give Ms Jones a big kiss. Bless you dear, what's this

Phoenix from the Flames

2004-09-28T18:09:00.000Z

I'm sat at my laptop with a glass of champagne in one hand and a fag in the other. It's been a funny old day, funny in that I started the day with a job and have ended it without one. Yes. The big R. Redundancy. "Ms Jones. There's no easy way to say this but we no longer require a marketing function." "Ah." "You may know that we've let Helen go." "No, I didn't." "And I'm afraid we're going

A Country Blighted

2004-09-28T10:10:00.000Z

Cascais is a lovely fishing town with beautiful beaches up and down the coast and nearby Lisbon is a vibrant city with great restaurants and lively bars. We spent our days relaxing on the sand under thirty degree sunshine and our evenings sipping Mojitos in the Barrio Alto. While I haven’t seen much of Portugal I can imagine it to be a beautiful country. There’s just one problem with the place.

The Curse of Ms Jones

2004-09-27T10:28:00.000Z

I had hoped that The Curse had been broken. Alas, not so! Those of you who know me will know that I’m prone to levels of disaster that sit high above the national average. If I’m not busy getting stranded on French motorways, I’m usually breaking expensive new electrical equipment or getting my handbag stolen. But recently life has been passing off without incident and I could have been forgiven

Postcard from Portugal

2004-09-24T11:36:00.000Z

Just thought I´d drop in very quickly from this Internet cafe, yards from the beach, where the 31 degree sunshine is going down very well thank you very much. Hands up who thinks Hope should start her own blog? Hope, thanks so much for looking after the old place for me. You´ve been superb!!! Give The Gaffer and Our Kid big hugs from me and I´ll see you when you get back. I´ll catch up with

Collected Thoughts of Mrs H

2004-09-24T09:27:00.000Z

Back at the start of June I finally bought my first flat, in a converted Victorian house, which is now four flats. On the day I moved in I introduced myself to Mrs H who lives in the ground floor flat, and was met with a somewhat suspicious expression and the comment “I thought it was a taller lady”. Not an auspicious start but we bonded a bit a week or so later when the previous owner’s piano

Doing the write thing

2004-09-23T07:49:00.000Z

Tonight is a big night, because tonight I am going to my first Creative Writing class. Anyone who has bothered to read the last few posts has just read my entire output of vaguely creative work for the last seven or so years. Mostly my production of words is limited to such literary gems as “The CDO structure pays Notes sequentially until an Event of Default”. The thing is, I’ve always rather

DIY

2004-09-22T16:43:00.000Z

Hope and Jonesy were reclining recently in the spa pool at the gym, relaxing in the warm water, an environment conducive to making sudden leaps of insight: H: “Jonesy, you know when I came round to help you strip wallpaper off your kitchen?” J: “Yes…” H: “And it took all afternoon, and it was quite hard work…” J: “Yes…” H: “That was the wall your builders had to demolish, wasn’t it?” J: “I

Have you met Ms Jones?

2004-09-21T09:20:00.000Z

I’m feeling a little nostalgic today (must be the detox kicking in) and was thinking that football has been a big influence on my life. I remember my dad cleaning his boots in the sink when I was a kid but I didn’t start playing until I went to college. Being a rather male dominated place we only just had enough girls for a team and performances were somewhat “patchy”. I believe the team won

Drying out

2004-09-20T09:54:00.000Z

Regular readers will know that Ms Jones’s mates, the Gaffer and Our Kid, are currently out in the States coaching “soccer”. The Gaffer is my boyfriend and I really miss him, but all is not looking too gloomy as I’m off to visit for a week on Saturday. There’s only one small snag which is that for the last couple of weeks my lifestyle role models have been not so much Cindy Crawford or Denise